Okay folks... so we just had our third year anniversary, and we're trying to start a new phase in the Henderson home.
As most of you know, we've been trying to have a baby for about two years now. "Why haven't you gotten tested yet?" you may ask...Well, that is a very loaded question. I have personally been struggling with where the line is between trust/faith in God to provide and the wisdom/knowledge that He has blessed our doctors with. (Now before you go any farther, I think you should know that this is an ongoing struggle.)
What I can tell you is that our God has placed some fantastic women around me to pray, encourage, and feel for me without adding the common (but not very helpful) comments about how "it'll happen", "you're still young", & "you'll be next". : \
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, other than to reflect on a few of the things our God has revealed to me recently.
1. Romans 8 - ...there is no condemnation...
The irrational guilt that I feel each month is a spiritual battle that I will need to fight. I just realized this weekend that the guilt wasn't just a reaction that on a physical level I'm not providing my husband with what we both want so much. Beyond that, I have been feeling as if this is a punishment for not staying in the word, and for the apathy that I've had in my relationship w/ Christ.
But today I was blessed with an amazing conversation w/ Luke about the freedom that we're provided through Christ & reminded of in Romans 8. Even if in His grace He is using the lack of children to pull me closer to Him, that's NOT punishment it IS love!! Praise God for this!!
2. We're moving forward with testing just to have some answers. However, I do still struggle with the line between faith & medical assistance. (Only med. help in this case, not for all medical issues) No surprise that it's a control issue. I Like to be in control! Because of this each step that we take as a family will continue to be slow, with lots of prayer and inspection of our (my) intentions.
3. Jealousy is another gigantic stumbling block for me right now. I love kids, and am so thankful that we get to spend time w/ families around us. Unfortunately, this doesn't lessen the small shoot of pain that I feel when I hear another announcement of pregnancy or see a fb update page of nothing but new baby pics on 95% of the feed.
Basically, as we wait for test results we are praying for increased faith, trust, patience, healing, loose fisted-ness, & desire for more of HIM!
We're praising & thanking for our support & the love that He's showing us through the community He has surrounded us with and for the conversations He has given us as a couple. We grow so much closer and stronger in our marriage through these times. And looking forward to great visits with family this summer and fall.
